[Note: One way I work through writer’s block is by writing down bits of conversation I overhear in public places. The following dialogue evolved from one such exercise about five years ago. Please excuse the formatting.]
In a coffee shop, HUSBAND and WIFE discuss with their REALTOR the best way to get the sellers -- the Wife’s father and step-mother -- to make repairs on the house before closing.
WIFE: He used so many complicated words and so much syntax. You would think he was a lawyer. You know, he came from that generation of doctors and lawyers. He’s a smart guy, well, he’s my father.
REALTOR: Does agreeing to certain portions of what he’s asking give us the ability to go for replacing the furnace? That’s what I don’t know. How would he react to that?
WIFE: (touching Husband’s arm) Honey, do you want another coffee now that you discovered the joys of Hershey syrup and coffee?
HUSBAND: A mocha, blended coffee thing would be great. (Wife walks away to the coffee bar to get a second round of drinks). She’s worried that we’re going to press too far. I mean, at one o’clock, do they refuse to do the furnace if we push?
REALTOR: I need to find the answers to these questions. Is the window warranty transferable to the new owners, and, if it is, can we get that in writing?
HUSBAND: I know what he’s thinking. If you have a say in replacing a unit, then you’re going to pick the most expensive one.
REALTOR: We also need a more complete report from Bob. When I’m representing the seller, I tell him that the buyers asked these things to be fixed and we should do it. A good seller should fix significant repairs.
(Wife returns to the table).
WIFE: Make sure I don’t get the sweatiness from my coffee drink on your paint chips.
HUSBAND: So, how should we put it? “We love your house. Now, get out.”
REALTOR: I’ve had so many people almost buy this house, but the pink is killing me, killing me. And she keeps asking me why the house hasn’t sold. She painted it inside and out last year and they’re bad colors. And I can’t tell her.
WIFE: She loves those colors.
REALTOR: I got the best feed back from a realtor once, but I could never tell her. It was, “Love the house, built in the 1900s, very nice architecture, but if Florida were a person, then it looks like he threw up all over that house. All over it.”
HUSBAND: I’ll write a suggestion and have someone read it.
REALTOR: To be sure it won’t be harsh.
HUSBAND: It won’t be harsh. It will be trying to decipher what he said. I would like to bring up the water issues. I’ll do it gently - a letter or dialogue, but not a firm response as to what we’re going to do.
REALTOR: Could you start it out with, “Dear Joe, your baby is not ugly.” (They laugh) Seriously, though.
WIFE: This is my father’s generation. Approach it from where he’s coming from, and then it’s understood.
REALTOR: Back when he bought and sold houses, everybody worked for the buyer and nobody worked with the seller.
HUSBAND: He wrote this, but he didn’t give us any way to get in touch with him to talk about these issues. He softened as he got through it. He started harsh. (Husband looks down at a letter to them from the father).
REALTOR: You may ask him some questions that he has not asked himself. Even though he’s been mean about it, he is inviting some dialogue.
WIFE: Yeah, let’s be careful talking about my father.
HUSBAND: I feel bad because your step-mother was running some interference.
WIFE: She’s nice and everything, but we could not even talk to one another. She was very disruptive. She treated me like a kid with bad manners. She was like that. She had that level of expectation.
HUSBAND: Joe cut corners on the long term care of the house. But we don’t need to tell him that.
WIFE: Everybody cuts corners, really, everybody does. But the house is over all in good shape. I heard him say more than once to you that he did not see any real problems in that house. I heard. So there’s a little wood that needs replacing and there’s some water damage, but nobody gets mortar fixed, nobody does, it’s just old brick. I heard him say there’s nothing significantly wrong with this house. The HVAC is bad. That’s all.
REALTOR: Furnaces were his main concern.
WIFE: I’m not saying that we shouldn’t do what he said. It’s just to noone’s benefit to overstate it. He did not neglect that house. I’ve seen houses that were far worse.
REALTOR: You have a positive way of asking questions. If you can use that, that may not be a bad way to ask. Maybe he’ll surprise us, you know. So was Sullivan’s a good place to eat?
HUSBAND: How many bowls of mashed potatoes do you think they would bring one couple?
WIFE: Yes, it was an event. We got there at five fifteen. We were seated around ten of six and didn’t leave until after ten.
HUSBAND: He hasn’t answered how many bowls yet. That stuff is heavy.
REALTOR: They brought the salad wedge, right? Did you send it back and have them chop it up? That really bothers me.
HUSBAND: They bring it on a small plate so it looks big. I saw people picking it up like a sandwich, dipping it in salad dressing.
(They all laugh)
REALTOR: I could see Tom Hanks doing that in a movie. So, how many? Two bowls? Three? Were you eating them all?
WIFE: Well, I was eating mashed potatoes and hit something hard. I got the spoon and there was this clear shard of something. I thought it was glass. I said to stop eating the potatoes. Then Pierre came over and said it is “plasteek.” It should not be in the potatoes, but it is not a “cat-ass-trophee”. I was laughing and irritated at the same time.
HUSBAND: Then the second bowl came out and that was okay. And the floor manager came out. At this point, all the help knew it. Pierre went back and scolded someone for it.
WIFE: Well, what can we do for you? And I said a little more than a free bowl of mashed potatoes. And they brought us a bottle of wine.
REALTOR: Thirty dollar bottle of wine or one hundred dollar bottle?
WIFE: For them, it was like a seventy dollar bottle.
REALTOR: There is a waiter in the middle of all of this, too?
WIFE: A waitress. And she was cool.
HUSBAND: The manager was like the stickler saying, “You’re fork eez not in zee right place, you must move zee fork.” Well, about half the table was mashed potatoes. When they found the plastic piece, Pierre went back and cleaned off the plastic.
WIFE: Every five minutes somebody was at the table. They had two crumb guys. I didn’t see them do anything else. Two crumb guys and the table was only big enough for two people.
HUSBAND: But it was a nice night.
REALTOR: I’ve only been to Sullivan’s once, and it was with this girl that I really, really wanted to go out with and I didn’t think that she would say yes in a million years, but she said yes. We started off by going to Les Mis – a great way to start a first date – then we went to the Sullivan’s bar and had martinis. But it is an expensive meal. It’s an anniversary meal, not a first date meal. You don’t start there, you end there.
HUSBAND: Who’s this girl?
REALTOR: It’s a girl I knew from work. Anyway, the next time we had a date, she asked where we were going. And I had nowhere to go from there. So that ended it.
WIFE: Well, it’s probably better that you found that out right away.
REALTOR: That was about five years ago, when I had my Mustang. But I don’t have it now, because you can’t put your kids in the back and can’t show houses in that car. (Realtor takes a sip of coffee). So, you’re going to write the letter and when will you have it for review?
HUSBAND: I’ll get the draft done tonight. Then you can look at the draft.
WIFE: (looking at the paint samples on the table). So, this orange for the living room, and some kind of lively but subtle yellow in the den.
REALTOR: I’m always interested in what they name colors. It’s somebody’s job to sit in a room and come up with names for twenty different hues of green. (Realtor starts to get up from the table). So, we’re done. I’ll look for an email with the letter.
HUSBAND: I’ll send it from work.
WIFE: I want to get outside and get some air.
HUSBAND: Well, thanks for everything.
REALTOR: Hey, it was worth coming out just to hear the mashed potato story.
WIFE: Yeah, we always make a spectacle of ourselves. Like when we were leaving, the whole staff was like – bye, bye, congratulations. They were clapping and telling us to come back.
HUSBAND: They weren’t clapping.
WIFE: Yes, they were. They were clapping.
REALTOR: Were they clapping because you were finally leaving?
WIFE: (laughing) No, no, but they were clapping.
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