Overzealous Fan and Toddler Man

Dear Saturday Night Live,

I have two new characters for you.

Meet Overzealous Fan.

She’s an average, forty-something woman who loves tennis. What she loves even more than the action on the court is getting into the action from the stands. Yes, she is the one who yells words of encouragement between the first and second serves. She is the one who coaches her favorite of the two players through the tough points. Not only does she cheer, but she’s on a first name basis. In fact, if you didn’t know her, you might assume she actually knows the player to whom she calls with such intensity, such excessive enthusiasm.

As you probably know, tennis is a relatively quiet sport when it comes to fans and cheering. There is a rhythm to each point within each game. There is appropriate space for loud cheering and moments when the crowd is asked to be still and silent. Overzealous Fan is oblivious to tennis etiquette. When the rest of the crown begins to hush, she shouts, “Bring it, Andy!” She stands up for almost the whole match and claps hard to rally her favorite player. “That’s all right, Andy. You’ll get the next one. Come on. Next point. This one’s all yours, Andy.”

Andy somehow ignores her.

I guess part of the price of tennis fame is putting up with an Overzealous Fan.

Meet Toddler Man.

He’s a full grown adult version of your typical two-year-old. When you’re with him, he won’t let you speak a word to another person. Not face-to-face, not even on the phone. He wants all of your attention. And when you try to speak to someone else, he makes it impossible to carry on a conversation. He yells, screams, makes noise, repeats your name over and over and over and over and over again until you say, “What!”, and, if all verbal accosting fails, he clings to your legs or throws himself on the floor in fits and tantrums.

Ah, yes, this is my daughter’s two-year-old behavior in a nutshell. She made a decision that I am not allowed to converse with another adult while she is in the room. In her mind, that seems perfectly acceptable. Why should I have any problem with it? We have fun together. We play. But, to say the least, it can be frustrating at times. We’re working on manners and “Excuse me”; however, she now repeats “Excuse me” – very loudly - to regain my attention.

Sigh.

I’m just glad she’ll outgrow it.

She will.

Right?

So, those are a couple characters inspired by my real life experiences this summer – the first by actual events, the second by my daughter’s recent behavior.

Feel free to use them in your upcoming skits.

Maybe you’ve met them before, but – for your sake - I hope you haven’t.